Monday….(Blackberry Shy™)

Day 1 of xxx without a blackberry.....y’all seen Popeye?......know how he can’t do shit without spinach and Viagra (depends on the Popeye u watch)...yup that’s how I feel...it’s like am a crack addict but I aint getting crack...whys that device so addictive...sitting here in my empty office (yep, empty!!!!...I forgot my whole office travelled to the HQ for a meeting..and i stupidly showed up for work...na lizard go send me go photocopy today)...seriously thinking of what I might just be missing on twitter….and that BBF thing….abi na BBM…whatever….some funny tweets from those really disturbed people on my TL or them sadistic tweets from some babe on her period and making it look like say na we cause am….or the crazily funny updates from @SNNHeadlines…or a very precious jeweled (*wink*) twitter fight might just be going down…maybe some *insert school name here* babe might have just slept with someone for a blackberry bold 2 phone carton or a “follow back” on twitter and unfortunately for her she had a small misunderstanding with her bestie(who knows her deepest secrets) and her best friend is exposing her sneaky acts on twitter…people can be wicked like that….

Woke up this morning, reached under my pillow for my blackberry bold…suddenly it hit me…..I have no blackberry….AM BLACKBERRY SHY!!.....I felt like me 2yrs ago…miserable….trying to access the internet using some dead nokia phone …tryna sign into Facebook™ believing that’s the hottest social networking site…I broke down into tears…..I cried in the shower…..I cried all through on my way to work…the aboki (who decided to transport me to my place of work which is about 3000miles from my house for only N50….*smh*)….kept wondering what was up with me ….upon entering my office I came across a tumbleweed….you know….one of those things that roll past in deserts….I looked up only to realize I was the only one in my office….DRATS!!!........the day couldn’t get any worse….the office internet is down…like it’s ever up?….been tryna check some sites for about 2hrs now….yet nothing….Do you know how screwed up ur life can be without a blackberry?....imagine I got that one ping from my colleague at work warning me that there aint gonna be anybody at work today…that would’ve saved me time….imagine if she pinged you telling you she’s pregnant and that she wants to hear your opinion on whether to abort or to kid the child….after she wait finish she no see reply na to conclude that your okay with it, she calls ur parents telling them about the pregnancy your dad calls u and tells u that u must marry her…you guys get married….due to bad/poor parenting skills your kid grows up to become a thief, gets killed by the police on one of his operations…your wife finds out, she’s so shocked she drops dead….all because u dint have a blackberry to read her first message and tell her to abort the baby…..my people SHIT CAN HAPPEN……just don’t walk around BB-less…it’s not advisable…look what it’s doing to me….You might think am just being delusional…..but seriously my eyes and palm itches….my stomachs are hurting…you see I am even meekin grammatihdgycal errorrgfvvsss!!!...i cant type properly using a keyboard….this day shall pass..only I don’t know how much more I have to wait for a new berry….salary’s sometime next week…can I make it??…..TIME WILL TELL…..@LOUIS_THE_XIII SIGNING OUT

NB: Whatever happened to my berry is none of your business….just know that my berry had a lot of trust and emotional issues….we had to split (literally)…..i hope it finds comfort in the arms of some other person…mschewww!!!…God know I tried my best to make the relationship work(literally) I can’t believe it could treat me like this…people take note NEVER TRUST UR BERRY…Its just gonna wake up one day and screw u over….yeah "boldie" (my ex BB) this is a Sub directed at you.....I even wrote a poem for u…Next post

OMG!!!!! ITS 2011 ALREADY........

Its the 19th of Jan......So am guessing i OVERSLEPT......am suspecting its that pounded yam from Christmas day(refer to previous post)....that food can act as anaesthetics for cows....well i hope we all made it into the year 2011...for those of yall that left your virginity in 2010...am guessin its not too late...u could try goin back through time to get it....What Now?....its not possible?....Oh Ok My BAD....Sorry Then.....
      Soooo any new year resolutions Zeem?....I'm thinking....... 3 OR 5 MEGAPIXELS?.....iApologize for the useless Joke.......I ask myself....do people still keep new year resolutions?...cause that shit is just a temporary guide to help you from Jan 1 2011 to Jan 2 2011....to summarize my 2010 in one word "boring, annoying, cashless....i could go on but i just remembered i said "in 1 word"...
Year 2010 was a very pathetic year in terms of Blogging.....i couldnt drop posts last year because i dint understand the concept of bloggin....its MY journal..not yours, not anybodys...i was a little disturbed what if people dont like MY posts....what if am a little obnoxious in any of my posts.....now am like... wat the hell its MY posts NOT yours...NOT NYSCs....NOT NIPOSTSs....... if by accident u stumble on them, read, if u wanna i couldnt careless....with that said, i hope to blog more often this year...only if this offices' server permits...i mean som'n that dloads at the speed of 503BYTES/Sec.....when no be say na Uncle RICK ROSS dey chop sponge cake.....and am pretty sure its the fastest in Minna....MINNA.....a place i like to call YEAR 1985....why?.....because Micheal Jackson is still Alive here......Titanic just hit the CD market...Pep Guardiola still plays for Barcelona.......IBB is still President....& of course the ratio of motorbikes/bicycles to human beings is 5000000000000:50000........it gets worse down here you know.....i mean..... if you dare say hi to any Nyarinya(girl) on the road.....ull be conered by men in ski masks and given the legal option.....long sleeve...Armless or shortsleeve(arm reduction techniques)....Also No alcohol....caaamaaannn??.....i shud have just signed up to be a Catholic Priest.......luckily..am not that kind of person...i no be ashawo/alcoholic....well in the long run its gonna be me and my dignity left in minna....Hoping to God that  my employee wont drop his pen on the floor with the intention that i pick it up...thats the day ill quit my job!.....i heard they play that way down hereaccording to @chykelfarooq_rj(who tells of his encounter with the *powerpuff men*)...........IT IS WELL IJN....I WILL SURVIVE

IT’S A MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED

......finally the day they’ve all been waiting for is here DEC 25!!....the kids all excited and stuff...Ryan runs down to his parents room and jumps on their bed...MUM!!! DAD!!! Wake up he shouts...it’s Christmas!!!!!.....his mother, with a huge but weak smile on her face wakes up and hugs her Ryan who has been tugging on the duvet for over 2mins....she manages to get her husband to stand up and they all go downstairs....standing close to the huge well lit (powered by electricity) Christmas tree they all sing Christmas carols looking at each other, holding hands and smiling. Breakfast is served, small chops ice cream and juice, Family lunch, friends come over to visit, drop Christmas hampers, family dinner with cousins and distant relatives it was a beautiful Christmas. Ryan couldn’t have asked for more. Right before bed Ryan dropped a note for Santa wishing him well, together with some cookies and a jar of milk....awwwww *sniff*....lovely innit.....yes?....now that’s my idea of a “white Christmas”!!!!*.....lets see what my idea of a “black Christmas” is shall we? *evil smile, room turns dark*

                Down in the deep thick forest area of Abuja lives this Nigga,  Zeem......”Gbam! Gbam! Gbam!” goes the heavy thud on the beat down wooden door......”Zeem wake up” the thick voice goes...”go and wash the cars!....so much for “merry xmas Son”...i get up wipe the drool off ma face, scratching my hairy ass and thinking to myself how do I escape the clutch of “family” today.....I pass the parlour, mother is readin her bible i refuse to greet mainly becos she wasn’t ready to listen to wat i have to say...its almost as if am not counted among the living in this house...am done with the cars wats next...the killing of paris Hilton(name of our Christmas chicken)....dont ask me why i chose the name Paris Hilton....its not bad enuff that the chicken is going to die...now i insult it by calling it Paris smh*”.......Paris, Paris, i scream out where are u?....Paris is out back filing its nails feeling sexy...’’i mean am gonna die...why not i do so in unique style’ it tries to convince itself...i bundle the chicken and take it in for due process....now drinks....i was wondering zobo wud make nice refreshment today....only zobos not alcoholic....and NO i don’t like weed in my zobo....after all was said and done i settle for a nice sleep i was too hungry to even do so i sat wondering ïs my mother tryin to boil an igneous rock...ahn ahn since morning!!!....like wat seemed a lifetime of wait i am asked down for lunch...its pounded yam!!!....i mean pounded yam on xmas?....are we worshippin idols? Is today the birth of Aro?(idol in ma villa).......i swallow the poundo quietly, wondering whatever happened to Paris the xmas chicken?.....straight to my room i march for a heavy nap.....(NOTE: PHCN wasn’t present the whole time....I mean dem niggas couldn’t care less)......dinner was at a friend’s crib becos i couldn’t stand the idea dat i mite just eat pounded yam for dinner again.....lovely dinner ......am back home now sitting outside clutching a branch from the mango tree in ma house patiently waiting for that gay ass paedophile called SANTA to sneak into my compound and start stealing fruits.....”wait till i catch u, u gay ass impotent faggot” I say to myself as i lay on a chair chewing on the remains on the unripe mango I found on the floor.....its a MERRY CHRISTMAS INDEED

                There you have it Christmas in real life...no fairy tale....MOST of the actions described by the blogger in this post were completely fictional....am not razz like that....my family loves me and i love them 2....We should know Christmas isn’t all about all the gifts received and how much fun u had....it’s about “living” with JOY”.....JESUS.......OTHERS.....& YOU.....service to Jesus first, then Others, and  then U.....HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR......@LOUIS_THE_XIII signing out

DAY 2:BOXING DAY...........

The Curious Case Of Louis XIII

Pretty sure a lot of y'all that follow me on Twitter can relate to this blog title...."Louis XIII"....for those who don't know...all right listen up.....when I say Louis XIII I'm not talking about my twitter handle or the king of France who became king at age of nine(9) because his father(Henry IV) was assassinated in 1960(How in heavens name did I know that???)....I'm talking about the Cognac Produced by Remy Martin popularly addressed as  'A Moment'....The 40/40 Club(Jay-Zs Club) even includes a “Rémy Lounge,” in salute to his favorite brand.

Hmm....am sure Ur wondering "Why in hell is this nigga blogging about SHAYO"?!....Hang in there ill tell you why..."It was a hot sunny afternoon when I got a call from a friend inviting me over to share "The Greatness" With him...we settled for some liquor at the liquor store(Obviously)...on out way past the "Expensive Liquor" Section...which we didn't even *Imagine trying to almost consider going close to* for personal reasons *wink*....I spotted Something glowing from the distance and to my surprise it was a Golden bottle Laying still on a Single

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shelf, Like Something the gods ordered. Below the bottle, on the shelf were the words boldly crested "LOUIS XIII"....very catchy name yeah?!...but you just wait and hear the price....5....wait for it.... FIVE(5) Hundred and Thatty Thazand Naira(530,000) ONLY...Half a Million!!!!...So as a Very GOOD & responsible Nigerian...I Threw my head forward and kept marching ahead to sip on my own *price withheld* shayo...but this Scar, this "stinger" remained in my head, heart and in my soul. This is to say..This right here(The Cognac)is valued at the same amount of money used to feed children dying of hunger in Somalia..What the hell f*** the Somalian kids..this money can change my parade for a long period of time...maybe... and That's what they are charging for ordinary "Miri" (igbo for water)...ordinary alcohol...has it come to this....is this why we are here in this life....to come and be intimidated by a single bottle of Ogogoro?!...This my fellow friends is very disturbing...I only imagine if In my Dream I happen to struggle and buy this wine and some silly friend holds the bottle up in the air singing.."Pop pop pop....pop something"...the only thing popping wud be his brain allover my fine Rug...heck this cognac should be as a prescription from the doctor....1 drop a year.I bet you can use that amount to develop an estate in ebute metta...*No pun intended*....

       So it all narrows down to a Question of Choice..If in Possession of that kind of Money Would you rather save starving kids, orphans, motherless babies someplace or settle for a bottle of cognac in which its value can be compared to the value of money that can be used to feed thousands of people in India and of course, Mushin(again No Pun Intended).The Choice is Yours.....@Louis_The_XIII Signing out!

NB: This Blog post is based on my experience oh am sure there are plenty more cognacs that are more expensive than "Louis XIII".....And i swear this is not an attempt to discredit the wonderful drink I don't mean to criticize..."is it my money?"as a matter of fact this otapiapia i mean "moment" can be located in wine stores in the Federal Capital

For crying out loud, Its just a name!!!

Alas!! My first post as a "blogger"......I plan to make this as brief as possible. Wow to think that it took me about a day and a half to come up with this Blog Title "My Invisible Blog"...sounds like some sort of "Ënya" or "Evanescence" album.The concept "Invisible blog"  by the way is....wait?!...Do I need to explain this?!.....Moving on, I wanted to use my twitter name but a friend of mine complained that it almost like some folks's Blog title.So I ask "when did names become such a big deal?!...I mean its just a "Name"...whats the big deal??.....

Big ups to our parents for sucessfully naming each and evryone of us without having to go through stress.Imagine if ur mum and dad went from house to house asking "abeg this my pikin name make sense?!".I often picture how my parents came up with my name.I mean, After hours of studyin whether this baby(litlle Me) is actually human or not because of the awkward shape of the head they came up with the name Zeem...For Crying out loud What kind of name is "Zeem?!"...Sounds like some kind of Alien orb?! Plus I imagine how the priest at my naming ceremony reacted, My parents be like "We have no choice we shall name him...Zeem....." The priest looks up with eyebrows raised and goes "hold up, hold up...say wat?!...u guys are kiddin ryt?!"....back to what I was sayin. I Opened a blog because I felt "hey...I have real shitty ideas..why don't I just document them and when am bored just read them over and over..hopefully as I continue blogging ill get to understand wat this is all about...the "DoNotBlogs and the "Please, DoBlog"....hope yall have fun reading ( If at all there's anyone).

Lastly please excuse my grammatical errors and poor punctuations. Like THEY all say.... "Its my first Time" *wink*
NB: The name "Zeem" is short for Zimuzo (Igbo for "Show me the way") A very beautiful name indeed!!...Don't Get it Twisted!!